Ultimate Reality?

**This was my post today on a discussions thread for my Philosophy of World Religions class.

Honestly, these readings[in my philosophy of religion book for school] made me upset. And I am fairly certain my post is going to upset some others.
I was raised Catholic. I go to a Lutheran church. I will baptize my children Catholic, (I signed a contract saying I would do so, in order to marry in a Catholic church) I have eternally struggled with my faith and what my belief system is. Since I was a child, I questioned everything about the faith I was brought up in. And why shouldn't I have? I recently commented on a post saying, I feel this is normal for many people. To question their faith, or religion. We are after all, built to be a curious people. Otherwise, if we weren't made to question why, or why not, would we then not have had scientific, mathematical, or technoligical advances?

My questions often included; If God was so forgiving, and loving how could he "send" anyone to hell? If he loved us all so much, why let there be suffering of innocents? And who is to say that the religion I was adopted into, is the ABSOLUTE correct one? I for one, am completely unwilling to condemn millions of people, especially children to hell simply because my religion tells me to. Who is to say any one of our religions is THE religion, and the rest are false? Who really is qualified to make that decision for the rest of the world? I know, God right? But any religion will tell you that, or that their way of life and rules to live by are THE way.

I cannot blindly follow a faith that tells me to condemn so many fellow human beings, based off of a book and a bunch of people telling me that that is the way things are supposed to be. I mean, I was born in Korea, (South, for those of you who are wondering....) and adopted by a nice caucasian couple who happened to be Catholic. I know other Korean adoptee's who were adopted into Baptist, Lutheran, non-demoninational, or "other" faith based households. In no personal decisiveness of our own, we were brought up in the religion our parents told us we were. How is it then okay, that because from the age of infancy that some of us are allowed to go to heaven while others are condemned to hell because of our parents decisions? And it wasn't even up to us how we were raised. As is the case for all children, I know. But the difference is, if God has a plan for us all, would he not then try to place all children in need of parents with parents who follow His word? Apparently not. He lets some of us be brought into "sinners" homes, therefore condemning us to hell, giving us no chance.

I mean, I just don't understand the justification. I do not understand the grounds. I do not understand how someone could so comfortably religiously exile people to hell. In all honestly, I feel like Christianity, or any other religion for that matter really aren't that far off from the extremists who we call terrorists. They BELIEVE they are doing God's work. They BELIEVE the people who die, deserve it. They BELIEVE in self sacrifice, and that they will be eternally blessed by blowing themselves up in God's name. Why? Because there are non-believers. Because there are people who, what break their religions rules? That makes it alright then. No? Then how is it right that "you" say I will go to hell? Because I am a non-believer? Because I break your religions rules? Case in point. Obviously, not as extreme. But theoretically the same.

I could seriously go on about this for days, in a million different sub-categories. Like stem cells, abortion, marriage/divorce, arranged marriage, infanticide, death penalty. This is never-ending. And there are an endless supply of opinions. Some call them religious beliefs, yet some of these beliefs have been modified over the years to accomodate certain phenomenons. Like divorce. Once basically unheard of, now considered, sadly, normal. Even those who are religious people, who follow the very book that says it is not okay to divorce, say "God would not want you to stay in a marriage you can't fix." Yet there is no wiggle room for people of other faith? Complete Hypocrisy.

Religion, is often modified and shaped to accomodate individual beliefs. Yet used as a weapon against those who do not share those beliefs.

Therein lies my conflict with Ultimate Reality being attached to divinity. Whose divinity is the True divinity? I certainly am not qualified enough to say which is so, therefore spitting on the souls of millions. 

Guess I should post my pregnancy journal!

Pregnancy Journal

5 weeks 3 days, approximately 242 days to go.

So just a few people know at this point, we are trying to keep it hush-hush until we know things are progressing smoothly. It was nerve-wracking to go into the Doctor’s office for the first time, and then exhilarating to have it official. My status at the Doctor’s office is Pregnant! I still am not sure whom I should try to use for my OB. My MIL is an L&D Nurse, but I might want to find someone on my own, considering how particular I am about Doctors.

Symptoms wise, I got hit. Pretty darn hard. My feet swell up FAST, I get hot even faster than normal, I am hungry ALL the time, I get really bad headaches everyday, my back aches after being on my feet for any period of time, I am so very exhausted all of the time, and I am pretty hormonal. My cravings are pretty odd, I at one point wanted pasta with spinach in it so bad I ate it from Champs, then Noodles and Co., and then made it at home even. Garlic, evoo, onions, diced tomatoes, and spinach tossed in a homemade white sauce.  YUM. I ate it like it was going out of style. I have been wanting a burrito bowl something fierce, was obsessed with and demolished a vegetarian sub from Jimmy John’s… I have been craving pure carbs and vegetables. No meat. Which is odd for me. But no real bad nausea, just occasional, and NO throwing up!! (Yet…) If I can get through all my pregnancies without that, it would be amazing!! We have told Owen about the baby, and he seems pretty excited. He was so cute when we told him. I was lying on the couch because I was so exhausted and so when we told him he started to lift up my shirt and shorts trying to look for the baby, asking where it was. J I am so excited to be expanding our family and giving Owen a sibling!

8 weeks 2 days, approx 222 days to go

My morning sickness is almost exactly like it was when I was pregnant with Owen, constant nausea and heartburn. It is annoying to feel sick all of the time, but I feel lucky to not be throwing up. I am gaining weight like it’s my job, because I am eating a ton of sweets and carbs and also don’t have a gym membership right now, like I usually do. I can’t workout right now anyway, since during our first ultrasound they found a “small hemorrhage” and I was advised to take it easy until it resolves itself. I am trying to not eat as many sweets as I would like to, but it is hard especially when I go to the grocery store now… I buy a ton of junk food! It is just so crazy because I do not ever really crave sweets normally. But at least fruit sounds amazing lately, as well as anything with dairy in it. I won’t be able to work my promotional jobs for much longer, with how thick I am already getting in the middle! This is so different from being pregnant with Owen, since I stayed so tiny for so long. I feel like this is taking forever, yet passing by quickly all at the same time. I can’t believe 20 days have passed already! I can’t wait until we can hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time, it is such an amazing experience and sharing that with Andy will be so awesome. We still haven’ t totally decided on a Doctor for me yet, and have to figure out my health insurance situation before we do, I guess. One thing not pregnancy related I’ve been dealing with for the last week and a half is a wicked eye infection. Keratitis, in both eyes! My contacts don’t fit my eye shape right, and after a year of constant irritation, my eyes went nuts and I have been wearing my glasses for 2 weeks straight. It has been awful! I can’t wait for the next three weeks to go by so we can tell more people about our new addition! We may have to tell some people when we move, since I am not supposed to lift heavy things anymore at the point when we move, as well as because of the hemorrhage. Hopefully the second trimester will bring a stronger tummy, and more energy! We will be newly moved into our new house, when 12 weeks comes along, and we can start setting up the baby’s room!!! Took the first “belly photo” today!

9 weeks 3 days

I have begun to pack up all of our stuff to move. I am trying to take it easy, and not make the boxes too heavy. I have Owen’s rooms mostly packed and the kitchen as well. The Olympics have started! Andy and I, Crystal and I, and now Owen and I have enjoyed the games on separate occasions. Owen has been hilarious and frustrating lately. My hormones are making me more short tempered, and I feel a little bad. But at the end of each situation we always talk about why Mama got upset and end it with I love you. I am just so ready for us to be in the new house getting all settled in. Andy got a corporate job this last week!! He applied for one, and got offered another a level or two higher than the one he originally wanted. Which is pretty unheard of, getting a job offer on a job you haven’t even applied for! I am so proud of him, for working so hard for our family, and am so excited for him to start this new venture in his career. His schedule will be so much better for him; his commute will also be a million times better. This is such a blessing for us! I am just so excited and happy about life right now, new house, new life, and new job!! God sure is bestowing many blessings on this family.

            I have been thinking lately that maybe it would be fun to not announce anything about the baby on Facebook, and let the first thing about the baby be a photo of it after it’s born! I don’t know it is an idea I have been throwing around. It just seems like everyone is posting about their pregnancies and sonograms, how their feeling etc. Maybe to be a little different, plus I wouldn’t mind this being more of a “family” affair. We will see what we think in a few weeks and we have to option to tell people.

11 weeks 1 day

Feeling a little better, not feeling sick nearly as much, and I have spurts of energy now. I got to see some amazing ultrasound footage yesterday, I had a little light bleeding and cramping in the beginning of the day, so I was able to get a last second ultrasound appointment. I got to see how much the little nugget has developed so far! Three weeks ago we had another ultrasound and it looked like a jellybean, this time it looked like a baby!! It was so funny to see it jumping around in there. The small bleed they found last time is still there, but stable. So hopefully they will keep monitoring it, because then I get more ultrasounds!!! Today I am getting dizzy and starting to fade out when I stand up fast, not fun! We are getting our cable and Internet installed, hopefully… I am ready to not have to deal with the converter box anymore! I am excited for the weather to get a little cooler, so I can go outside and not be as uncomfortable so I can play with Owen. I am excited for the house to be totally set up, and for us to have a couple parties. A housewarming party, and Owen’s 5^th birthday party! I want to do a Halloween themed party, where all the kids get to wear their costumes, and have them paint little pumpkins, maybe have a spooky piñata, and a ghost cake or something creepy. Then just let them run around outside and play together. J That seems like it would be a good birthday for a 5 year old. 

13 weeks (8/24/12 today!)

 I will have to try to remember to get a picture when I get home from work tonight. We made it to 13 weeks! I am getting impatient to start feeling the baby for certain. I sometimes feel like maybe I feel some flutters, but can't be sure. I've gained about 10 lbs already, and am only 10-12 under what I was TOTAL when I was pregnant with Owen and I was HUGE! How crazy is that? And I still have so much time to go... I did my last promo job yesterday, I am getting too big to do it anymore. :( It was great money, and I met some amazing girls through there. Hopefully *when* I lose the baby weight I can go back to doing it once or twice a month. I can get long spurts of energy now, but around 3 in the afternoon I start to get incredibly tired. :( I still get really hungry, but it isn't nearly as out of control as earlier in the pregnancy. So it's nice to not be STARVING all of the time! We get to go to the fair TWICE this year!! I made sure to pre-buy the tickets at Cub Foods for discounted tickets. I saved 12$! I am going to eat so much food, but need people to share with!! I get full so much faster... I don't know how we will finish all of the food... Hopefully we can get someone to go with us! But the thought of cheese curds, pronto pups, malts, sweet martha's cookies, milk, corn on the cob, cream puff, funnel cake, turkey leg, Vegie Fries, mini donuts, etc!!!! makes me drool a little bit. There is definitely more on my list... But I have to Google all the fair foods to make sure I know all of them. Compile a list, and then execute!!! :) It's going to be awesome. I want to be 20 weeks pregnant, clearly pregnant, and feeling the baby. I have no patience. :) Getting the baby's room semi set up. Crib is in the process of getting put together, I have to get a changing table from IKEA, and a rocking chair from Breanna. Then other than maybe some removable decals on the wall pending the sex of the baby, we will be all set!!! How exciting!!! Ahhh!!!

Get me a straight jacket...

I am having somewhat of an emotional breakdown today. I have a boss who is the reason there is such a theory as a Napoleon Complex. (Please... 5'6 with that attitude?) He is cutting my hours, writing me up with 100% false reasons, and tells other people he is trying to get me fired. Why? Because my son was sick one day and I asked for him to come in so I could bring my son to the Doctor. To which he and his boss said many inappropriate things, like in the future I need to make sure whoever is watching him has a car etc. etc. WELL ASSHOLES, it is his DAD who was "watching" him, whom I get 50 to at best 98 dollars a month in CS from. I do all the driving back and forth, and am also trying to be  in school and work. Who watches my son is MY BUSINESS. NOT TO MENTION, if he was in DAYCARE, they would make you come pick up your kid if he was puking and having diarrhea. It doesn't matter that he wasn't in daycare and his Dad doesn't have a car. If he was being in anyone's care, and is sick, I would have to leave to get him. They refused to come in and help, and I was stuck at work. Having been told, "Close the store if you have to, but I can't promise what will happen if you do." So he refused to help his employee when I needed it, said inappropriate things, and threatened my job. All because I had a sick 4 year old.

Stellar guy huh? I really hope his girlfriend gets the fuck out before he knocks her up or marries her.

And don't worry, his boss and his bosses boss did nothing to help me or rectify the situation either. Or HR. Fucking large corporation, swinging dicks, boys club BULLSHIT.

On top of that, we are having issues with how we "saved" our money for our down payment for our house. Apparently taking cash out of checking accounts and depositing it into a savings account is "untraceable" because it's cash, and therefore is deemed insufficient forms of reliable income or some bullshit. Well, hey there mortgage officer, maybe you should have told us that MONTHS ago and we wouldn't have done it, you DUMB FUCK, we have never bought a house before!

On top of that, we have to prepare to move in August, then school starts for Owen and for me. If I even have my FAFSA shit figured out.

I have an ongoing feud with my sister-in-law, who I haven't spoken to in over a month. (And am perfectly content in that, and have no desire to start up anytime soon.)

So.

I am having somewhat of an emotional breakdown today. I feel like I am going crazy. I am hormonal as hell. I am tired. I am just so tired of all of this crazy stress.

My 3rd to 4th attempt at blogging..

I don't know why I always start, then stop doing it. I love to write out thoughts and chronicle my life. Let's hope this time it sticks!

Life is only what we make of it...

http://jillybean985.blogspot.com/ 

That's the name of my other blog. Under an email I never utilize! I hope you guys check out my previous posts, and continue to check for new ones. :)