Waning Sanity, Body Giving Out: The Joys of the Last Month of Pregnancy

36 weeks 3 days

One of our closest friends said after me grunting loudly trying to painfully get up off of a couch, "We get it, you're pregnant." 

I almost punched him in the face. 

This is my life lately. I eat, and my belly feels like it is about to split open. Two hours after I eat, I get heartburn. The baby sticks her butt out so hard I swear I am getting a bruise on my stomach. Every time she wiggles her head, I feel a pain and a pressure through my whole uterus into my damn cervix! My back, hips and generally my whole torso is in some sort of pain 100% of the time. I am uncomfortable when I stand, sit, and lie down. Though lying down is easiest, it is difficult to do at work, in public, and at other people's homes making it virtually impossible to be even remotely comfortable.

Pregnancy is awesome. O.o

I do have pregnancy to thank for opening my eyes to the wondrous world that is breakfast food. I have never loved, bacon, eggs, pancakes, waffles, cereal, oatmeal etc. as much as I currently do. I feel as though I have deprived myself for 27 years!

Mentally I must be completely on the ledge about to jump off the cliff. I keep having those awful being chased dreams, or trying to get somewhere and not being able to make it even though you feel exactly like you know where you are going, labor dreams where things are going wrong. 

So basically I am barely hanging in there. 

It is February 4th. The baby isn't due until March 1st. 

All I have to say is my plan is to go into labor and have her on February 10th. And if things don't go that way, I may have a complete breakdown. Fingers crossed!

I made some decent headway on my book. I am not sure if I have mentioned it yet. I am writing (or attempting to..) a book about all the ins and outs of pumping breast milk. You think it isn't that hard or complicated, and then realize it is something of an art form and takes practice and skill, massive amounts of dedication and time. I lasted 7.5 months with Owen exclusively pumping and bottle feeding, not due to choice but rather he had a terrible latch. There were tips and stories I wish I had heard or knew before/during the pumping process, that I didn't get to find out until after. So. I am "writing" a book. We shall see if anything comes of it. :) I sure hope I get it done and can convince someone to publish it! 

Currently baby Ryan is trying to make her great escape by kicking and pushing her way out of my uterus. It is taking my breath away! So uncomfortable. It is so weird when you can see your stomach moving like there is an alien in there... And freaky. Weird and freaky.

Well, I am somewhat covered in acrylic paint from trying to get further on the paint job on the rocking chair in the baby's room, I've got 90% of Ryan's clothes washed and put away, fabric bought for the chair in her room, a couple loads of laundry done, the dishes done, the waffle maker cleaned of the cinnamon from making cinnamon rolls in it. (Delicious, but not really worth the pain of cleaning the waffle maker!) I still have so much more to do, but my back hurts. 

So I am done for today! :)

Food AA For Pregnancy. (Addictions and Aversions) and 35 week update

I couldn't stand seafood when I was pregnant with Owen, and maintained the aversion for a couple of years just remembering the feeling I got from smelling it, cilantro, and bell peppers. I have happily been able to indulge just as well as before. In fact this pregnancy I LOVE shrimp, and eat it more than I did not pregnant. But with Owen I didn't have big cravings or phases. I ate pretty much the same things I did before, my meals just couldn't include shrimp, cilantro, or bell peppers.

I don't eat sweets/sugar ever. I don't crave it or want it. Unless I am pregnant with my husband's child apparently. The only phase I had with Owen was Honey Nut Cheerios 2x a day for like 3 months straight. This pregnancy it's been cake, cookies, candy, chocolate, junk cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch is spectacular!), cupcakes, sweet breads (monkey bread, banana bread, pumpkin bread). Additionally, I have been totally digging breakfast foods lately! Eggs, waffles, bacon, breakfast burritos, cinnamon rolls, cereal, orange juice... On a normal day, I would rather eat any great dinner food in place of any of those things. Breakfast foods, are my least favorite. Except for right now. Right now I would like to  replace EVERY meal with breakfast food!

One day I ate like 4 oranges in one sitting. (Note to self: Your digestive tract does not appreciate 4 oranges at once. Do not repeat.)

I had a salad phase where I made delicious amazing salads with mixed greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, hardboiled egg, chicken, sunflower seeds, croutons, and ranch. Amazing. I would make a huge bowl and go to town.

Intermittently between these phases I will go insane over fast food.

I have had so many odd food cravings this time around it is CRAZY! I luckily haven't had many aversions at all this time. I eat less sriracha sauce, which typically tops almost everything that goes into my mouth, but other than that everything I loved before I love now! Problem is, things I didn't love before I Loooooooovvvvveee now...

My butt and thighs hate me right now. My arteries probably aren't too happy either. And if my body were ever close to getting diabetes it would be now. For sure. All I know is other than water giving me heartburn (don't even get me started about food. Any food at all.) I am absolutely in a torrid love affair with food this time around. It has been the best/worst time ever.

In fact, I am starving right now. I will be making stuffed meatballs, a vegetable, and mashed potatoes for dinner. But since I want breakfast I will also be making breakfast biscuits and cinnamon roll waffles for 2nd dinner! (I don't really eat breakfast, so really it is lunch and dinner for me.)

I am sure some fruit will be consumed in between.

I can't wait until my eating goes back to normal. Salty and greasy, are all I ever have to worry about then.... :)

I will be 35 weeks pregnant tomorrow! I have been awful at keeping up with my blogging lately. I will have to post my belly pictures at some point pretty soon. It is pretty funny how little I am to begin with and how HUGE I am now, and I still have 2-4 more weeks! Eeek!

I am doing well other than being uncomfortable ALL of the time. The heartburn is constantly plaguing me, and I get tired and sore really fast. I am totally ready for this baby to come out, but totally unprepared! We still need to get a baby swing, a diaper pail, cloth diapers, more clothes, bottles, and more!! OMG WE ARE NOT PREPARED!

I am trying not to panic.... Deeeeeeep breathhhhh.....

Well, I'll check back in a week or so, after my 2 baby showers, and when I am technically full term! 37 weeks, whoot whoot!!

Hating Religion, hating gays and other beliefs

Here I am sitting on my couch after calling one of the only people I trust to call when I need spiritual guidance, my Dad. My nose is all red and my eyes are still watery from the tears I shed during our conversation. I am upset about the Marriage Amendment. Not because I don't support gay couples, but because it hurts me to think that so many people are  against them. It literally hurts me so much I am starting to cry again just writing this. I just cannot as a human being who genuinely loves all people, justify discriminating against someone just because they are different than me. Just because they are Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist, or Jewish, Gay, Straight, whatever. It may sometimes be exotic or strange to me, but never a reason to hate. Never a reason to discriminate. NEVER. My religion is and will never be a catalyst for such hatred or bigotry. My God is a God of Love and acceptance.

During our conversation, I said, "Dad the Bible said, For God so loved the world he gave his only son... The very son who loved and accepted those who society did not. He loved them as much as he did his devout disciples."

My Dad said, "Well he loved them and they repented."

To which I replied, "How does one repent for something they had no choice in the matter of? How is it wrong if being gay is how God made these souls? How can we discriminate against God's own work?

My Dad did not have an answer for me today. But he listened to my tears and my sadness over the whole situation, as a good Father should. He tried to comfort me, and did the best he could.

Our conversation moved to my frustrations with my Philosophy of Religions class and how absolutely maddening it is to me that there are so many different theories and opinions which make up all the different religions. That there are so many wars and fights because of religion.
At one point there had to have only been one religion. Then because people wonder [because we cannot absolutely know and it is human nature to question and wonder] about God and why things are the way they are, different opinions formed. Which transferred into different religions. Just within Christianity my Dad mentioned there are over 3,000 different Christian "churches" (Catholic, Lutheran, etc.). Who am I to say any one religion is better than another? I was born in Korea and could have been raised Buddhist had I not been adopted by Catholics. My son will be what we choose to raise him as. (Or until he decides what he is when he is older if he happens to not agree with Christianity.) I cannot say, all of these religions that people chose because of parental/societal influence will go to hell just because. I cannot doom small children to eternity in flames and brimstone because they happened to be born into a different belief. If they are good and decent humans, why can't we just all agree to disagree and leave each other alone? Why does it have to incite so much fury and hatred?

All of the discord in the world, the pressure of 'did I make the right choice in the specific religion I am raising my children', the hate and discrimination I see and that my son is exposed to got to me especially bad today. I just so desperately want for all God's children to love and accept one another for other creatures and creations of God. Made in his image. All of us are. Gay or not. Christian or not. We are all  His children, and should all treat one another as such.

Pregnancy/Life Update-22 weeks

It's been a while! I thought I would post a new blog today. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant, a little over 1/2 way there! In the news; my sister in law Besa is pregnant and due at the end of March. So she must be around 18 weeks. My OBG-YN is ALSO pregnant, due a weeks BEFORE me, so she is 23 weeks!! Lol, we had the anatomy scan, and the baby looks GREAT. She is measuring right where she should be, and all limbs/fingers/toes seems to be in order. :) And YES, I did say SHE! Baby Ryan Marie Taylor! Owen will be getting a baby sister! 

Andy was so happy when we found out, there was a little gloating coming from his end... I was a little freaked out, as I have 3 brothers and a son, so I was just expecting it to be a boy! Do not have expectations! 

I am even bigger than I was a couple weeks ago it seems. My back aches constantly, and I have a hard time bending over without grunting. Very attractive. Ryan is a little nuisance with her constant kicking and crazy antics, I got NO sleep last night. Literally, none. I was really hoping for one calm kid, since Owen is such a ball of energy. No such luck it seems. (No expectations, no expectations, no expectations!) Andy says he blames me for our hyper kids!! 

I am still craving sweets like crazy, I just don't understand the sugar lust... But nevertheless it is what I want. I ate pumpkin pie and cool whip at 5 am this morning... 

I have to get up to pee at least 3 times a night, it is a ton of fun let me tell you... I feel so sleep deprived already... School is not going too great. It is a struggle to get things done. I am just too mentally/physically tired! I can't breathe out of my nose 99% of the time, because I am so congested all of the time. So awesome! Lol... 

I developed some amazing awesome attractive issues lately... I always at night have dry mouth, because  I can't sleep with my mouth closed. My nose is too congested. Well with my allergies seemingly worse, I have to take my allergy meds everyday, and they dry your mouth out even more than it would be normally. So I am super excited to be battling Xerostomia. My lips are unbearably chapped, and the corners of my mouth are reminiscent of a child who licks their lips too much. My teenage-esque skin is breaking out, and it is just all so WONDERFUL! I am probably one of the least sexy or attractive pregnant women. Ever. In the history of all time. In the universe. 

I am also getting paler, with the winter months right around the corner. Pale does not suit me. Tan suits me. But tanning pregnant is a no-no. Especially if I wanna get rid of/fade most of my stretch marks again. Ugh. But I am going to be soooo  ghostly. BUT despite all of that the baby is healthy! So HURRAY! 

Well, that is about it for my update. Soon I will have to take some pictures of some of the nice work I have done with the house and post those. I am pretty proud, being the shopping hating, least creative/decorative person I know!

Ultimate Reality?

**This was my post today on a discussions thread for my Philosophy of World Religions class.

Honestly, these readings[in my philosophy of religion book for school] made me upset. And I am fairly certain my post is going to upset some others.
I was raised Catholic. I go to a Lutheran church. I will baptize my children Catholic, (I signed a contract saying I would do so, in order to marry in a Catholic church) I have eternally struggled with my faith and what my belief system is. Since I was a child, I questioned everything about the faith I was brought up in. And why shouldn't I have? I recently commented on a post saying, I feel this is normal for many people. To question their faith, or religion. We are after all, built to be a curious people. Otherwise, if we weren't made to question why, or why not, would we then not have had scientific, mathematical, or technoligical advances?

My questions often included; If God was so forgiving, and loving how could he "send" anyone to hell? If he loved us all so much, why let there be suffering of innocents? And who is to say that the religion I was adopted into, is the ABSOLUTE correct one? I for one, am completely unwilling to condemn millions of people, especially children to hell simply because my religion tells me to. Who is to say any one of our religions is THE religion, and the rest are false? Who really is qualified to make that decision for the rest of the world? I know, God right? But any religion will tell you that, or that their way of life and rules to live by are THE way.

I cannot blindly follow a faith that tells me to condemn so many fellow human beings, based off of a book and a bunch of people telling me that that is the way things are supposed to be. I mean, I was born in Korea, (South, for those of you who are wondering....) and adopted by a nice caucasian couple who happened to be Catholic. I know other Korean adoptee's who were adopted into Baptist, Lutheran, non-demoninational, or "other" faith based households. In no personal decisiveness of our own, we were brought up in the religion our parents told us we were. How is it then okay, that because from the age of infancy that some of us are allowed to go to heaven while others are condemned to hell because of our parents decisions? And it wasn't even up to us how we were raised. As is the case for all children, I know. But the difference is, if God has a plan for us all, would he not then try to place all children in need of parents with parents who follow His word? Apparently not. He lets some of us be brought into "sinners" homes, therefore condemning us to hell, giving us no chance.

I mean, I just don't understand the justification. I do not understand the grounds. I do not understand how someone could so comfortably religiously exile people to hell. In all honestly, I feel like Christianity, or any other religion for that matter really aren't that far off from the extremists who we call terrorists. They BELIEVE they are doing God's work. They BELIEVE the people who die, deserve it. They BELIEVE in self sacrifice, and that they will be eternally blessed by blowing themselves up in God's name. Why? Because there are non-believers. Because there are people who, what break their religions rules? That makes it alright then. No? Then how is it right that "you" say I will go to hell? Because I am a non-believer? Because I break your religions rules? Case in point. Obviously, not as extreme. But theoretically the same.

I could seriously go on about this for days, in a million different sub-categories. Like stem cells, abortion, marriage/divorce, arranged marriage, infanticide, death penalty. This is never-ending. And there are an endless supply of opinions. Some call them religious beliefs, yet some of these beliefs have been modified over the years to accomodate certain phenomenons. Like divorce. Once basically unheard of, now considered, sadly, normal. Even those who are religious people, who follow the very book that says it is not okay to divorce, say "God would not want you to stay in a marriage you can't fix." Yet there is no wiggle room for people of other faith? Complete Hypocrisy.

Religion, is often modified and shaped to accomodate individual beliefs. Yet used as a weapon against those who do not share those beliefs.

Therein lies my conflict with Ultimate Reality being attached to divinity. Whose divinity is the True divinity? I certainly am not qualified enough to say which is so, therefore spitting on the souls of millions. 

Guess I should post my pregnancy journal!

Pregnancy Journal

5 weeks 3 days, approximately 242 days to go.

So just a few people know at this point, we are trying to keep it hush-hush until we know things are progressing smoothly. It was nerve-wracking to go into the Doctor’s office for the first time, and then exhilarating to have it official. My status at the Doctor’s office is Pregnant! I still am not sure whom I should try to use for my OB. My MIL is an L&D Nurse, but I might want to find someone on my own, considering how particular I am about Doctors.

Symptoms wise, I got hit. Pretty darn hard. My feet swell up FAST, I get hot even faster than normal, I am hungry ALL the time, I get really bad headaches everyday, my back aches after being on my feet for any period of time, I am so very exhausted all of the time, and I am pretty hormonal. My cravings are pretty odd, I at one point wanted pasta with spinach in it so bad I ate it from Champs, then Noodles and Co., and then made it at home even. Garlic, evoo, onions, diced tomatoes, and spinach tossed in a homemade white sauce.  YUM. I ate it like it was going out of style. I have been wanting a burrito bowl something fierce, was obsessed with and demolished a vegetarian sub from Jimmy John’s… I have been craving pure carbs and vegetables. No meat. Which is odd for me. But no real bad nausea, just occasional, and NO throwing up!! (Yet…) If I can get through all my pregnancies without that, it would be amazing!! We have told Owen about the baby, and he seems pretty excited. He was so cute when we told him. I was lying on the couch because I was so exhausted and so when we told him he started to lift up my shirt and shorts trying to look for the baby, asking where it was. J I am so excited to be expanding our family and giving Owen a sibling!

8 weeks 2 days, approx 222 days to go

My morning sickness is almost exactly like it was when I was pregnant with Owen, constant nausea and heartburn. It is annoying to feel sick all of the time, but I feel lucky to not be throwing up. I am gaining weight like it’s my job, because I am eating a ton of sweets and carbs and also don’t have a gym membership right now, like I usually do. I can’t workout right now anyway, since during our first ultrasound they found a “small hemorrhage” and I was advised to take it easy until it resolves itself. I am trying to not eat as many sweets as I would like to, but it is hard especially when I go to the grocery store now… I buy a ton of junk food! It is just so crazy because I do not ever really crave sweets normally. But at least fruit sounds amazing lately, as well as anything with dairy in it. I won’t be able to work my promotional jobs for much longer, with how thick I am already getting in the middle! This is so different from being pregnant with Owen, since I stayed so tiny for so long. I feel like this is taking forever, yet passing by quickly all at the same time. I can’t believe 20 days have passed already! I can’t wait until we can hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time, it is such an amazing experience and sharing that with Andy will be so awesome. We still haven’ t totally decided on a Doctor for me yet, and have to figure out my health insurance situation before we do, I guess. One thing not pregnancy related I’ve been dealing with for the last week and a half is a wicked eye infection. Keratitis, in both eyes! My contacts don’t fit my eye shape right, and after a year of constant irritation, my eyes went nuts and I have been wearing my glasses for 2 weeks straight. It has been awful! I can’t wait for the next three weeks to go by so we can tell more people about our new addition! We may have to tell some people when we move, since I am not supposed to lift heavy things anymore at the point when we move, as well as because of the hemorrhage. Hopefully the second trimester will bring a stronger tummy, and more energy! We will be newly moved into our new house, when 12 weeks comes along, and we can start setting up the baby’s room!!! Took the first “belly photo” today!

9 weeks 3 days

I have begun to pack up all of our stuff to move. I am trying to take it easy, and not make the boxes too heavy. I have Owen’s rooms mostly packed and the kitchen as well. The Olympics have started! Andy and I, Crystal and I, and now Owen and I have enjoyed the games on separate occasions. Owen has been hilarious and frustrating lately. My hormones are making me more short tempered, and I feel a little bad. But at the end of each situation we always talk about why Mama got upset and end it with I love you. I am just so ready for us to be in the new house getting all settled in. Andy got a corporate job this last week!! He applied for one, and got offered another a level or two higher than the one he originally wanted. Which is pretty unheard of, getting a job offer on a job you haven’t even applied for! I am so proud of him, for working so hard for our family, and am so excited for him to start this new venture in his career. His schedule will be so much better for him; his commute will also be a million times better. This is such a blessing for us! I am just so excited and happy about life right now, new house, new life, and new job!! God sure is bestowing many blessings on this family.

            I have been thinking lately that maybe it would be fun to not announce anything about the baby on Facebook, and let the first thing about the baby be a photo of it after it’s born! I don’t know it is an idea I have been throwing around. It just seems like everyone is posting about their pregnancies and sonograms, how their feeling etc. Maybe to be a little different, plus I wouldn’t mind this being more of a “family” affair. We will see what we think in a few weeks and we have to option to tell people.

11 weeks 1 day

Feeling a little better, not feeling sick nearly as much, and I have spurts of energy now. I got to see some amazing ultrasound footage yesterday, I had a little light bleeding and cramping in the beginning of the day, so I was able to get a last second ultrasound appointment. I got to see how much the little nugget has developed so far! Three weeks ago we had another ultrasound and it looked like a jellybean, this time it looked like a baby!! It was so funny to see it jumping around in there. The small bleed they found last time is still there, but stable. So hopefully they will keep monitoring it, because then I get more ultrasounds!!! Today I am getting dizzy and starting to fade out when I stand up fast, not fun! We are getting our cable and Internet installed, hopefully… I am ready to not have to deal with the converter box anymore! I am excited for the weather to get a little cooler, so I can go outside and not be as uncomfortable so I can play with Owen. I am excited for the house to be totally set up, and for us to have a couple parties. A housewarming party, and Owen’s 5^th birthday party! I want to do a Halloween themed party, where all the kids get to wear their costumes, and have them paint little pumpkins, maybe have a spooky piñata, and a ghost cake or something creepy. Then just let them run around outside and play together. J That seems like it would be a good birthday for a 5 year old. 

13 weeks (8/24/12 today!)

 I will have to try to remember to get a picture when I get home from work tonight. We made it to 13 weeks! I am getting impatient to start feeling the baby for certain. I sometimes feel like maybe I feel some flutters, but can't be sure. I've gained about 10 lbs already, and am only 10-12 under what I was TOTAL when I was pregnant with Owen and I was HUGE! How crazy is that? And I still have so much time to go... I did my last promo job yesterday, I am getting too big to do it anymore. :( It was great money, and I met some amazing girls through there. Hopefully *when* I lose the baby weight I can go back to doing it once or twice a month. I can get long spurts of energy now, but around 3 in the afternoon I start to get incredibly tired. :( I still get really hungry, but it isn't nearly as out of control as earlier in the pregnancy. So it's nice to not be STARVING all of the time! We get to go to the fair TWICE this year!! I made sure to pre-buy the tickets at Cub Foods for discounted tickets. I saved 12$! I am going to eat so much food, but need people to share with!! I get full so much faster... I don't know how we will finish all of the food... Hopefully we can get someone to go with us! But the thought of cheese curds, pronto pups, malts, sweet martha's cookies, milk, corn on the cob, cream puff, funnel cake, turkey leg, Vegie Fries, mini donuts, etc!!!! makes me drool a little bit. There is definitely more on my list... But I have to Google all the fair foods to make sure I know all of them. Compile a list, and then execute!!! :) It's going to be awesome. I want to be 20 weeks pregnant, clearly pregnant, and feeling the baby. I have no patience. :) Getting the baby's room semi set up. Crib is in the process of getting put together, I have to get a changing table from IKEA, and a rocking chair from Breanna. Then other than maybe some removable decals on the wall pending the sex of the baby, we will be all set!!! How exciting!!! Ahhh!!!

Get me a straight jacket...

I am having somewhat of an emotional breakdown today. I have a boss who is the reason there is such a theory as a Napoleon Complex. (Please... 5'6 with that attitude?) He is cutting my hours, writing me up with 100% false reasons, and tells other people he is trying to get me fired. Why? Because my son was sick one day and I asked for him to come in so I could bring my son to the Doctor. To which he and his boss said many inappropriate things, like in the future I need to make sure whoever is watching him has a car etc. etc. WELL ASSHOLES, it is his DAD who was "watching" him, whom I get 50 to at best 98 dollars a month in CS from. I do all the driving back and forth, and am also trying to be  in school and work. Who watches my son is MY BUSINESS. NOT TO MENTION, if he was in DAYCARE, they would make you come pick up your kid if he was puking and having diarrhea. It doesn't matter that he wasn't in daycare and his Dad doesn't have a car. If he was being in anyone's care, and is sick, I would have to leave to get him. They refused to come in and help, and I was stuck at work. Having been told, "Close the store if you have to, but I can't promise what will happen if you do." So he refused to help his employee when I needed it, said inappropriate things, and threatened my job. All because I had a sick 4 year old.

Stellar guy huh? I really hope his girlfriend gets the fuck out before he knocks her up or marries her.

And don't worry, his boss and his bosses boss did nothing to help me or rectify the situation either. Or HR. Fucking large corporation, swinging dicks, boys club BULLSHIT.

On top of that, we are having issues with how we "saved" our money for our down payment for our house. Apparently taking cash out of checking accounts and depositing it into a savings account is "untraceable" because it's cash, and therefore is deemed insufficient forms of reliable income or some bullshit. Well, hey there mortgage officer, maybe you should have told us that MONTHS ago and we wouldn't have done it, you DUMB FUCK, we have never bought a house before!

On top of that, we have to prepare to move in August, then school starts for Owen and for me. If I even have my FAFSA shit figured out.

I have an ongoing feud with my sister-in-law, who I haven't spoken to in over a month. (And am perfectly content in that, and have no desire to start up anytime soon.)

So.

I am having somewhat of an emotional breakdown today. I feel like I am going crazy. I am hormonal as hell. I am tired. I am just so tired of all of this crazy stress.